


A Hop, Skip, and a Jump

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 02:18:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15596064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Series XII, post-Skipper.  Kryten has succeeded in integrating the newly repaired quantum skipper with the Holly Hop Drive, and Rimmer has plans for Lister, plans that involve a Dwarfer family trip to the universe of posh David Listers and snuggly, seven-foot-tall rats.Cloister knows how many chapters this nonsense will end up being.





	1. Chapter 1

Kryten had done it. After months of painstaking labor, he’d managed to repair the quantum skipper Rimmer had thoroughly stomped, and integrated it with the newly revamped Holly Hop Drive. Lister felt his usual warm surge of pride in his mechanoid protege’s scientific prowess when Kryten called everyone to the Science Room and triumphantly revealed his creation to the other Dwarfers. _Brilliant lad, our Krytes,_ he thought. _He’s come so far since the days of female aardvark bananas._

As Kryten explained how the new, hybridized unit would combine the quantum skipper’s versatility and fine control with the Holly Hop Drive’s power and ability to relocate Red Dwarf, Rimmer stepped forward, a gleam in his eye, to examine the new creation. He roundly ignored Kryten’s glare and his muttered, “planning to crush this one underfoot as well, Sir?”

Although he had absolutely no interest in resuming his nomadic, dimension-jumping life as Ace, Rimmer still rather enjoyed the odd round of interdimensional travel, if only for the novelty of it all. He had also recently formulated a plan in which Kryten’s invention would play a critical role. Absently, he ran long, slender fingers over the controls of the skipper (Hopper? Jumper?) as he mentally accessed his memory files and began searching them for the command sequence that had brought him to the universe he had dubbed Ratworld. 

Lister’s voice broke through his reverie. “Rimmer, what are you doing? You have that look on your face.”

“What look? What are you on about now, Lister?”

“You’re plotting something, man. I know that look. Whatever you’re thinking about doing, don’t.” 

Rimmer tried - and mostly failed - to assume a wide-eyed, innocent expression. “I’m simply looking at Kryten’s skipper-hopper-jumper thingy.”

“You’re thinking about that posh version of me again, aren’t you? You said before that, if Kryten got this working, you wanted to go back to Ratverse or Ratland or whatever you called it. Smegging hell, man, what is it with you and that bloke?” Lister stared at his hologram, arms crossed and foot tapping expectantly as he awaited an answer.

Rimmer blushed slightly at Lister’s on-point accusation. It wasn’t that he wanted Ratworld’s David Lister, of course. Rimmer loved his Listy deeply and fiercely, dubious personal habits notwithstanding, and would sooner have given up his holo-life than lose his grubby, infuriating, wonderful little partner. Still, he often rather wished that his Lister could be a bit more like the refined, elegant version, as he had admittedly found the latter very attractive.

In true Rimmer fashion, after careful consideration he’d decided that introducing the two would be an excellent idea, as perhaps some of their David’s desirable traits would rub off on his Dave. Now that the quantum thingamabob ( _Kryten really must name this thing, damn it_ , he thought) was ready, he could put his scheme into action. Steadying his nerves, he turned to face his partner. “Listy, I propose a little interdimensional trip.”

“Smeg.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Rimsy - Lister just will not listen.

“No.”

“Listy, please, hear me out.”

“No. No smegging way.”

“Look, let me explain.”

“What part of ‘no’ are you having trouble understanding, man?”

They were in the sleeping quarters, Lister sprawled angrily on the sofa to take up as much space as possible, and Rimmer gingerly perched on one of its arms. They had been arguing on and off for most of the day. Rimmer had, rather reasonably, he thought, proposed visiting Ratworld to test out the new hopper, pointing out that it would be better to go to a known safe reality than to strike out blindly for an unknown dimension. Outraged, Lister had promptly accused him of wanting to have a fling with “that posh bastard in his rat-infested bunk,” and refused outright to entertain the idea. Hours later, Rimmer was still trying to plead his case (avoiding mentioning why he really wanted to introduce the two Listers, of course), and Lister was still stubbornly refusing to budge.

“Lister, you have to understand that I’m only looking out for our safety. Jumping into a random dimension is potentially deadly. I should know, as I did it for years.”

“You’re already dead, so that shouldn’t much matter to you, now, should it?”

“I am, yes, but you aren’t. I’m concerned for your welfare, Listy.”

“Concerned about losing the chance to fawn over Git Lister again, you mean.”

Rimmer reached down, wanting to touch Lister’s leg in reassurance, but his partner’s infuriated scowl stayed his hand. _No point in continuing this as long as he’s smegged off - I may as well go to bed,_ he thought. He sighed sadly, and rose from his perch. He leaned over the back of the sofa, hoping for a goodnight kiss, but Lister refused to look at him, so he settled for gently touching his shoulder, then crawled into his lonely bunk.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister is thinking - not always a good thing.

_Bloody stubborn hologram. He’s like a smegging bulldog with a bone when it comes to his half-baked schemes. He grabs hold and won’t let go, no matter what I say. Bloody stubborn, pigheaded, unreasonable hologram._

Long after Rimmer had retreated to his bunk, Lister lay on the sofa, staring at the TV without really watching anything. He knew Rimmer wasn’t asleep, and a tiny part of him desperately wanted to go to his partner’s bed for a loving, apologetic cuddle. Sadly for that sweet little thought, the rest of Lister wanted to continue sulking on the sofa, drowning his sorrows in JMC whiskey and brooding over Rimmer’s bizarre obsession with Posh Lister, the smegging Pied Piper of the giant smegging rats. 

_Giant rats. Who the smeg wants to snuggle with giant rats? A posh git version of me, apparently - the posh git who has turned my Rimmer’s head. Damn it, I should go there after all. I should go and boot his sorry, dandified arse across their smegging fake Red Dwarf for even looking at my hologram. I’d win, too - smegging bastard probably hasn’t even been in a pub fight, as poncy smegheads don’t brawl in their precious wine bars. Bloody class traitor could definitely use a thrashing._

Giving up on finding anything worth watching on the Dwarf’s thousand-plus channels, Lister settled on playing “Renegade Monks” and beating the hell out of surrogate pretentious idiots.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lister has a change of heart, or so it seems.

“Are you absolutely certain you want to go through with this test jump? You swore yesterday that wild horses couldn’t drag you to Ratworld. Why the sudden change of heart?” Rimmer regarded Lister suspiciously. It wasn’t at all like Dave to change his mind abruptly, especially when reversal of his stance would bring him into alignment with Rimmer’s views. He generally avoided agreeing with his partner on anything important, either on principle or just for the sake of being a contrary gimboid. 

Lister replied, “I did a lot of thinking last night...”

“First time for everything,” Rimmer couldn’t resist quipping.

Lister frowned at the hologram. “As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I was thinking it over, and realized that you’re right, Rimmer. It would be better to go somewhere known when we try this thing out. At least we’re pretty certain that our alternates there aren’t likely to try and eat us.” 

“Say that again, please.”

“You what?”

“Say, ‘you’re right, Rimmer.’ I want to record it for posterity.” As he spoke, Rimmer tentatively smiled at his partner. _I knew you’d come around eventually and listen to reason,_ he silently added. _You’ll see when I introduce you to your other self why this is such an excellent idea._

“Cheeky bugger.” Lister chuckled despite himself. He thought, _I’d better watch what I say, and not seem too keen. You wouldn’t be happy with me if you knew what I have planned for your Ratboy._

Kryten bustled into the bunkroom just then, followed by the Cat, who was dressed in a shimmering crimson and black suit, and singing some ancient song about being a feline Casanova making lady cats cry. The mech chirped, “Sirs, are you ready to test the device?”

Lister feigned enthusiasm. “Yeah, man - let’s do this!” 

“We’re probably as ready as we’ll ever be, Kryten,” Rimmer added.

The Cat smoothly executed a spin while yowling, “Lady cats, watch out! Your stud is on his way! Owwww!”

Kryten clasped his rubbery hands with delight. “Excellent, sirs! Now, if you’ll come with me to the Drive Room, we can get this party started!”

“Kryten, you sound ridiculous when you talk like that. Cat, shut up,” Rimmer snipped.

“Mr. Rimmer, sir, was that necessary? I must say, you’re a complete and utter smee-hee.”

“Goalpost Head, you’re just jealous that I’m gorgeous and I’ll be getting all the ladies. 

Irritated, Lister rolled his eyes and grumbled, “Quit your moaning at each other, all of you, before I change my mind again and cancel this smegging trip.”

Surprised by Lister’s rare display of temper, the other Dwarfers glanced at one another, then at Lister’s scowl. The walk to the Drive Room was blessedly quiet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ratworld awaits!

As the crew seated themselves in the Drive Room, Lister apprehensively eyed the dimension hopper. Tinkering with spacetime was nothing new for the Boys From the Dwarf, of course. There had been times they’d managed to do as many as six impossible things before breakfast; compared to those days, one little universe hop was relatively small potatoes. Still, despite Kryten’s insistence that his pride and joy was perfectly functional, Lister wasn’t entirely convinced that a device cobbled together from the remnants of the crushed quantum skipper and the thirty-year-old universe-hopping drive created by a senile computer was truly safe. 

_Watch,_ he thought sourly. _We’ll manage to get there all right, but then Kryten will turn up pregnant, Cat will take up with one of those giant rats, Rimmer will elope with that poncy Ratboy, and I’ll end up in stasis, and that’ll all be in the first twelve minutes._

Puzzled, Rimmer wondered what he’d done to deserve the dirty look Lister shot him just then. He arched a quizzical brow, but was rewarded with a glare in response. Shrugging his shoulders at his partner’s inexplicable behavior, he turned to Kryten. “As Acting Senior Commanding Officer, Acting Navigation Officer, and the one most familiar with dimension-jumping by far, I’ll naturally be controlling this inaugural trip.”

Kryten protested, “Sir, although you may be the highest-ranking crew member, and the most experienced interdimensional traveler, this is a sensitive, highly technical device, and as such, cannot be mishandled, abused, or stomped on during one of your fits of pique. I must insist that I be the first to operate it - wait! Sir, what are you doing? Please, Mr. Rimmer, put that down! What coordinates are you punching in? Sir, do not press that button!”

With a sickening lurch, the Red Dwarf popped out of existence for a nanosecond, then rematerialized alongside an identical ship. 

Rimmer smiled smugly as the others gaped at him. “Marvelous! I knew everything would be tickety-boo!”

The communications console squawked, signaling an incoming handshake. “Well, here goes nothing,” Lister muttered as he switched on the system. A stylishly dressed, well-groomed version of himself appeared on the overhead display, saying in plummy tones, “Evening, chaps! My, what a pleasant surprise!”

Lister hated him immediately.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The visit commences!

Lister skillfully piloted Starbug into the alternate Red Dwarf’s docking bay, not in the least anticipating the imminent meeting with his other self. Rimmer had spoken at some length via comm with the posh git, and had seemed quite taken with him, much to Lister’s annoyance. “Please, Arnold, I’d like you to call me David, as I hope we’ll soon be good space chums,” he had requested with a soft smile, while Lister bristled. _David. Not Dave, like any sensible Lister would want to be called. Bloody David. Pompous arse,_ he thought. The sole bright spot during the all-too-long exchange had been the appearance of the git’s own Rimmer, who, judging by his scowl, was no more pleased than Lister with the situation. _Good. At least one of them has some smegging sense._

Kryten’s counterpart warmly greeted the Dwarfers’ little party in the docking bay, and began escorting them through tastefully decorated lifts and corridors towards the bunkroom where the others awaited them. Lister and the Cat hung a bit back from the Krytens and Rimmer, both goggling in disbelief at what they were seeing. “Carpeting? Cat, man, can you smegging believe that they have all this carpeting?”

“Carpets, paintings, aircon, and music, bud! This place is snootier than Flight Lieutenant Goalpost Head’s officer-only areas.” Cat appraised the decor of the corridor through which they were passing with a critical eye. “At least whoever decorated has good taste. Must be their version of me. She’s probably a gorgeous lady cat longing for the love of a handsome tomcat who can truly appreciate her talents. Hang in there, baby! I’m coming! Yeooow!” 

“Cat, I have to tell you - there may not be any lady cats here,” Lister began.

“Fine by me if he’s a dude, bud - I’m an enlightened cat, and I am, after all, the object of my own desire.” As he spoke, Cat pulled a small hand mirror from his pocket and began preening. “I need to look my best for my new girl or guy!”

“Uh, there may not be any male cats, either.”

“They don’t have one of those smelly, slobbering dogs like the girly dimension had, do they?”

“No, but what Rimmer says they do have is probably worse.”

From a doorway behind them, a deep, grating voice suddenly boomed, “Hey, Krytie! Is it dinnertime yet? I need my cheese!” Slowly, apprehensively, the Dwarfers turned around as one, and gawked in astonishment at the appalling sight of an enormous gray and white rat clad in a hideous, garish fake fur coat in a ghastly puce. The rodent yelled, “Company! That means the fancy cheese, with extra cheese sauce! All right!” He gleefully slapped his scaly tail against the wall in emphasis, then came barreling down the corridor towards the shocked visitors, and his own Kryten, who, Lister noted, didn’t seem in the least perturbed. 

Beside him, Lister heard a gasp and then a thud as the Cat gracefully and elegantly passed out.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat just can’t.

“Oh, for the love of Io, what a drama queen. Throw some water on him. That should bring him round.”

“Are you taking the smeg, man? He’d come out swinging if we got his suit wet, and you forget that he has claws as well as fangs.”

“Well, at least he’d be conscious, or as conscious as the stupid moggy ever gets, at any rate.”

“Hey!” Cat’s eyes snapped open, and he glowered at Rimmer. “Don’t even think about throwing water on this suit, non-bud! It’s dry clean only, and I know where you live, so I can send you the bill!” Rimmer just rolled his eyes.

Cat looked around and took stock of the situation. He was lying on a medi-bed in a Science Room, surrounded by his crewmates and their alternates. His Gerbil Cheeks was sitting by the bedside, looking concerned and holding his hand, which felt rather nice, although Cat would never admit it. The other Gerbil Cheeks was standing a respectful distance away, also looking quite concerned.

The two Easter Island Heads were busily conferring with one another regarding the displays on the monitors hooked up to him. Cat noted with satisfaction that his jacket was neatly hung nearby, and his silk shirt had been unbuttoned instead of ripped open to allow access to his chest. He supposed that Fancy Gerbil Cheeks was responsible, as the dude definitely had style and obviously appreciated clothes, unlike his own Dreadlock Dave. 

Identical Goalpost Heads stood near the foot of the bed, steadfastly avoiding looking at one another, and both pretending to be very interested in the monitor displays. “Two of you? I must not be awake, as this has to be a nightmare. There’s far too much nostril action in this room,” Cat remarked. He was pleased by their answering twin glares. _Maybe we can crash both of their hard drives and have a drawing contest. These guys have to have felt-tips stashed away somewhere._

Suddenly, an overwhelming stench assailed Cat’s sensitive nose. Heavy footsteps plodded across the floor, as the repulsive mountain of fur with atrocious taste in coats stomped into the room. Cat sat bolt upright, and, gesturing wildly at the rodent, elegant claws fully extended, hissed, “Dudes, somebody tell me, what the hell is that thing? That can’t be me. Tell me it isn’t me!”

The alternate Badly Damaged Parcel Head replied, “Mr. Cat, sir, this is Mr. Rat, and it does appear that he and his relatives are your counterparts in our reality. Our Mr. Lister was put into stasis for bringing his pet rat on board the Red Dwarf.”

“Relatives? Other Mech-bud, how many of them are there?”

“Hundreds, sir.”

“All dressed like that? I really am trapped in a nightmare!”


End file.
